Is it Parental Alienation – Or Am I Causing My Child’s Rejection?

You’re standing outside, waiting. Your kids refuse to come outside. They refuse to get in the car. They say you’ve abused them, ignored them, or don’t care about them. They’re not going, and their other parent isn’t going to force them.

You drive away, again, and are left wondering: Did I do something to deserve this? Or is something else at play?

This is the kind of emotional storm no parent ever wants to face. It’s painful. It’s confusing. And figuring out what’s really going on requires brutal honesty, self-reflection, and a clear-eyed look at the bigger picture.

Children rejecting a parent after separation or divorce is a brutal challenge. If their resistance stems from genuine neglect or abuse, it could be a natural response to your parenting.

But it’s rarely that simple. 

Research, like the study by Amy Baker, Steven Miller, William Bernet, and Trinae Adebayo (The Assessment of the Attitudes and Behaviors about Physically Abused Children), shows that even abused kids don’t always reject the abuser. 

The team of researchers conducted a survey of over 300 mental health professionals, representing more than 17,000 adjudicated children, and found that abused children often become more attached—displaying protective behaviors or justifying the abusive parent—rather than distancing themselves.

This muddies the waters: rejection isn’t a straight line from mistreatment. So, what’s driving your kids’ stance?

Step One – Look in the Mirror

First, you’ve got to ask yourself some tough questions. Are their claims rooted in reality? 

What Is Justifiable Rejection Due to Abuse or Neglect?

Children do not reject parents simply for making mistakes or engaging in normal parenting missteps. A moment of impatience, being overly strict, or emotionally unavailable at times does not cause a child to sever a previously loving relationship. 

Instead, justifiable rejection occurs when a parent has engaged in behaviors that have significantly harmed their child—either emotionally or physically—creating a deep and legitimate rupture in the parent-child bond.

Justifiable Rejection Stems From

Physical Abuse 

Repeated or severe physical harm that instills fear, causes injury, or creates an unsafe environment for the child.

Emotional or Psychological Abuse 

Chronic belittling, manipulation, gaslighting, excessive control, or emotional cruelty that undermines the child’s sense of self-worth and security.

Neglect 

Consistent failure to provide basic needs—such as food, shelter, medical care, emotional support, and supervision—leading to significant harm or instability.

Domestic Violence Exposure

If a child has witnessed ongoing domestic violence, particularly between their parents, they may reject the abusive parent out of fear, trauma, or a need for self-protection.

Substance Abuse or Mental Health Issues 

 If a parent’s addiction or untreated mental illness has led to dangerous or unstable conditions, children may distance themselves for their own well-being.

Key Indicator of Justifiable Rejection

A key indicator of justifiable rejection is whether the child’s complaints are consistent, specific, and grounded in reality.

If a child has been making the same claims about abuse or neglect for years, even before the separation, and those claims align with evidence—such as reports from family members, therapists, or child protective services—then the rejection is likely a reasonable and self-protective response.

Ultimately, justifiable rejection is not about a child overreacting to normal parenting flaws; it is about a child protecting themselves from a parent whose actions have caused significant harm.

How to Assess if Their Rejection Might Be “Justified”

Your Actions 

Have you yelled at or criticized their other parent in front of them, or repeatedly bailed on visitation? Missed birthdays or broken promises could give them ammo, but rarely cause a child to reject a parent. 

Demonstrable deficient parenting is what we’re talking about here. Have you been repeatedly harsh, punitive, or abusive toward them or the other parent?

Neglect Check 

Were you checked out—physically or emotionally—when they needed you, like during the divorce chaos? 

If they felt sidelined (say, for a new partner), that stings. Again, some distanced and distracted parenting does not cause children to reject a parent.

Erratic attention, increased work hours, distractions due to litigation do not cause children to reject a parent. 

To be justified, neglect needs to be on the level of  “clinically significant” – not meeting the children’s needs often or regularly. 

Conflict Role 

Have you dragged them into the mess—grilling them about their other parent or leaning on them like a therapist? Kids bolt when they’re stuck in the middle. 

Own It 

Ever apologized via text or email for screwing up, promising to step up? If you’ve dodged accountability—like dismissing how your choices rocked their world—they might feel unheard.

Their Credible Complaints 

Are their complaints specific—like “You forgot my recital” or “You yelled at me”—and do they line up with reality? Consistent, well-founded grievances can point to a real issue.

But let’s be real—kids don’t typically cut off a parent over a missed event or a moment of frustration. It takes something much bigger and more persistent to push them to full-blown rejection.

Red Flags 

Did friends, family, or a therapist ever hint your parenting was off? Did your kids complain about you before the split, and did you brush it off?

Official Word  

Has child protective services or a court officially confirmed abuse or neglect? There’s a huge difference between being an imperfect parent (which, let’s be honest, every parent is) and causing real, documented harm.

If you’re nodding to any of this, their rejection might tie to tangible stuff you can own. But if this feels off—if you had a solid bond before and now they’re ice-cold—something else could be shifting the dynamic.

Step Two – What’s Changed?

If your kids didn’t always resist you, what flipped the switch? Common parenting flubs—snapping when stressed, being stricter than their other parent, or zoning out sometimes—don’t typically torch a loving relationship.

So, consider the flip side: could their rejection be “unjustified” or influenced by forces beyond your control?

READ MORE: Parental Alienation – All You Need to Know

Parental Alienation 

Is the other parent meddling? The three hallmarks of alienation are them convincing the kids you’re unfit (unsafe), unavailable, or unloving. Signs include scripted lines—like “You don’t care about us”—that sound like their other parent’s voice, not theirs.

Sudden hostility after their time with the ex, with no clear “why” from your end, raises red flags.

Kid Stuff 

Are your kids testing limits as teens, or are younger ones just struggling to navigate the chaos of divorce? Their age and emotional stage might be playing a bigger role than you think.

Could this be more about their development than about you?

Mix-Ups 

Could they misread you—like thinking your late work nights meant you didn’t care? If you’ve explained yourself and they still shut you out, the disconnect might not be yours to fix. 

Are they being told that you’re late to an exchange because you don’t care when, in fact, there really was an accident and a lengthy traffic backup causing the delay?

Outside Noise  

Could stepparents, peers, or even media portrayals of “bad divorced parents” be influencing your child’s perception of you?

If you’re consistently reaching out—showing up, calling, texting, writing letters—but still face a wall of resistance, the issue may not be about you at all.

That said, children who share a strong bond with a parent don’t typically reject them solely because of media narratives or peer influence. 

Instead, if a once-connected child suddenly begins rejecting you, ask yourself: Is someone deliberately portraying me as unsafe or unloving? 

LEARN MORE: Parent Alienation and Child Psychological Abuse in the DSM-5

If their rejection seems fueled by a targeted effort to damage your relationship rather than their own experiences, external manipulation may be at play.

Step Three – Dig Deeper

Is there evidence the other parent’s actively poisoning the well? Look for:

Patterns 

Do your kids parrot phrases like “You’re dangerous” or “You never loved us” that don’t jibe with your history? Alienation thrives on repetition.

Timing 

Does their attitude tank right after time with the ex? That’s a clue.

Details 

When you ask “Why?” do they give you vague, emotion-based answers like “You’re just bad” or repeat complaints that sound more like someone else’s words than their own?

Are they bringing up accusations or excuses that don’t match their actual experiences with you?

That’s alienation’s fingerprint.

Bridging the Gap – How to Move Forward

Self-Check 

Journal or hash it out with a therapist. Are you beating yourself up for nothing, or are you missing your own screw-ups?

Neutral Eyes 

A trained counselor or mediator can spot if alienation’s afoot or if you’re subtly pushing them away (like badmouthing their other parent).

Their Voice 

If you can, ask calmly: “What’s making you feel this way?” Specific answers and examples signal justified hurt; fuzzy blame might mean interference.

Long Game 

Justified rejection can ease if you own it and rebuild trust. Unjustified often stays locked, even when you show up right. Once unjustified rejection is at play it’s very difficult to reverse and therapeutic or legal interventions may be necessary. 

Reality Check

Kids mix real pain with skewed takes—it’s not black-and-white. Maybe you’ve been flaky (justified), but the ex is hyping it into “monster” territory (unjustified).

You can’t force them to love you back, but you can figure out what’s yours to mend. 

So, are you creating their rejection? Maybe partly, if you’ve got stuff to own. But if the other parent’s stirring the pot or the kids are caught in their own storm, it’s not all on you.

Either way, start with what you can control: your own moves. 

Determine if you need to get counseling to deal with anger, substance abuse, deficient parenting, or putting your children in the middle of your relationship with your other parent. 

Conclusion: The Hard Truth and the Path Forward

So, are you creating your child’s rejection? Maybe. Maybe not. The reality is, this is a deeply complex situation—one that demands both self-reflection and awareness of outside influences. 

If your past behavior includes patterns of neglect, emotional harm, or serious parenting missteps, then yes, their rejection might be justified.

If that’s the case, the only way forward is through accountability—owning your mistakes, doing the hard work to change, and proving through consistent actions that you’re a different parent today than you were before.

But if you’ve always had a loving bond with your child and suddenly they’re rejecting you with no clear, personal reason, then something else may be happening. 

Whether it’s parental alienation, outside influences, or misunderstandings that have snowballed, you may be dealing with unjustified rejection—one that won’t easily reverse, no matter how many times you show up, reach out, or try to explain yourself.

Here’s the truth: You can’t force your child to love you back, and you can’t undo what’s already been done overnight. What you can do is take control of what’s in your power—your own actions. 

Get real with yourself. If you need therapy, get it. If you need to learn better parenting skills, do it. If alienation is at play, educate yourself and seek professional support to navigate it strategically.

At the end of the day, whether the rejection is justified or not, the best thing you can do is be steady, present, and patient. 

Keep showing up in ways that feel healthy and constructive. Time, consistency, and truth will ultimately, hopefully, tell the full story.

And when that moment comes—when your child is finally ready to see things clearly—you’ll be there, as the parent they can count on.

~ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. ~ 1 John 3:18