Abused Children Don’t Reject Parents – Alienated Children Do!
I’ve never met a parent who dreamed of one day having children only to lose them in a highly contested, painful, and expensive custody battle. I’ve worked with thousands of parents over the last 30 years. I’ve yet to meet one who felt ok about losing his or her child – for any reason.
I know they’re out there. Historically, there are cases where parents have walked away from their children because of mental health issues, addictions, trauma, etc. I’ve just never met them.
The reason is – the parents who contact me for help are in some level of distress because they have either lost their child in a custody battle, or they’re watching him or her slip away and they don’t know how to stop it.
I have met many, thousands actually, who rightfully lost their children (at least for a time) due to abuse and/or neglect. As former Regional Director of two foster care agencies, I heard about child abuse daily.
It was my job to read Child Protective Services case files prior to accepting children into our foster care programs. Prior to accepting a child, the treatment team including psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists would staff the potential placement and make a determination about whether or not our program was a good fit for the child.
The stories about circumstances surrounding the abuse would torment anyone…. the three children ages 5, 2, and 1 found near the highway a mile from their home. When protective services took possession of the children they found cockroaches in the two- and one-year-old children’s diapers.
The five-year-old cried to go home. This was not the worst of the stories, by any means. Yet, each of these stories had one common theme: the children desperately wanted to go home to mom and/or dad. They just wanted the abuse to stop.
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation occurs when one parent manipulates a child into rejecting or becoming estranged from the other parent, often without legitimate cause.
This process can involve subtle or overt tactics such as badmouthing the other parent, limiting contact, or creating a narrative that paints the targeted (rejected) parent as harmful or unloving. Over time, the child may internalize these views and develop unwarranted hostility or indifference toward the alienated parent.
Parental alienation typically occurs in the context of high-conflict divorces or custody disputes, where one parent seeks to undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent.
It can have severe emotional and psychological consequences for the child, affecting their long-term ability to maintain healthy relationships and a balanced sense of family.
Why Do Children Reject Parents?
I’ve seen it all. Children exposed to domestic violence, to parents with debilitating addictions, to unthinkable abuse & neglect, and everything in between. So when we see children who do not have bona fide abuse histories – no provable, documented, known or even suspected abuse, and who do reject their parent, we notice.
Assessing cases for bona fide child abuse is another subject in and of itself and rightfully deserves its own article. I’m talking about cases where a child has begun resisting or refusing a relationship with a parent in a way that is disproportional to experiences that child has had with that parent.
Like all parents, he or she certainly has imperfections that may be annoying and hurtful at times to the children. However, if annoying and hurtful parenting didn’t disrupt the parent/child relationship when the parents lived together, why does the same kind of parenting suddenly cause rejection in the child(ren) after they separate?
In the seminal 2019 study conducted by Stephen Miller, MD, Amy Baker, PhD., William Bernet, Ph.D., and Trinae Adebayo, The Assessment of the Attitudes and Behaviors about Physically Abused Children: A Survey of Mental Health Professionals, the researchers found that adjudicated children who had been removed from their parents typically engaged in Attachment-Enhancing behaviors.
That is, children who were removed from their families and placed in out-of-home care did not reject their parents. Rather, they made excuses for the parents’ behaviors, promised to stop behaving poorly, and fought to go home.
They did not engage in many of the behaviors characteristic of non-abused children who openly resisted or refused having a relationship with a parent with whom they were once close:
- Rejection of the parent for disproportional reasons
- Black and white thinking (one parent was all good and the other was all bad)
- Reflexive support of one parent against the other
- Cruelty toward one parent without guilt
- Language inconsistent with their developmental stages
- Rejection of extended family members
There are several other reasons why abused children seek connection with an abusive parent. One key factor is the child’s belief that they are inherently worthless or bad as a result of the maltreatment. This sense of worthlessness conflicts with the instinctual need to see oneself as good and moral.
The child’s attachment to the abusive parent becomes a defense mechanism, often referred to as “undoing,” in which the child constantly strives to regain the parent’s love and approval, hoping this will validate their worth and free them from feeling bad.
Additionally, abused children often internalize responsibility for their parent’s abusive behavior. In an effort to relieve their guilt, they may try to please their abusive parents, believing that if they are “good enough,” the parent will absolve them of this guilt.
Another reason for this attachment is that by denying or minimizing the abuse, the child can maintain a positive image of the parent, which in turn allows them to see themselves in a more favorable light by associating with a “good” parent.
Children Can be Influenced by One Parent to Reject the Other Parent
If abused children don’t typically reject parents they are bonded to, why do non-abused children reject parents? It goes against our natural instincts to reject a parent. Due to the extended period of dependence during childhood, the need for a parent becomes ingrained as part of our survival instinct.
Therefore, when a child rejects a parent, they are acting against this survival drive. This strong instinct to bond with a parent helps explain why physically abused children, as mentioned above, often do not turn away from their parents.
In fact, paradoxically, they tend to do the opposite. Out of the 3,000 foster children I have worked with, I cannot recall a single instance of a child rejecting a parent. Instead, these children often downplay or deny the abuse in an effort to protect their parents, preserve the relationship, and earn their parents’ approval.
If children do not reject a severely physically abusive parent, then it seems to me that only the influence of an alienating parent can explain why children reject a loving parent with whom they previously had a positive relationship.
Knowing that even abused children remain attached to their parents, this understanding should be the foundation for analyzing why a particular child rejects a parent.
It is therefore hard for me to believe that a child, without outside influence, would reject a parent for the petty, trivial, or absurd reasons.
Is the Child’s Rejection of the Parent Harmful to the Child
Yes, a child’s rejection of a parent—especially when it is the result of parental alienation or unwarranted influence—can be harmful to the child in several ways:
1. Emotional and Psychological Impact
The child may experience feelings of confusion, guilt, and inner conflict. Being led to reject a parent who once played a loving role in their life can create long-term emotional distress and impact the child’s sense of security.
Importantly – a child cannot feel loveable if a parent is perceived to have abandoned her or him or does not care about him or her. This typically causes a child to develop self-hatred and poor self-esteem, and loss of trust in relationships in general.
2. Loss of a Supportive Relationship
Losing contact with a parent can deprive the child of valuable emotional support, guidance, and nurturing, which are important for healthy development. The alienated parent may have been a key figure in the child’s life, and losing that bond can lead to feelings of abandonment.
3. Distorted Perception of Relationships
Children subjected to parental alienation may grow up with a distorted understanding of relationships and conflict. They may internalize manipulative behaviors as normal and struggle with trust, loyalty, and forming healthy relationships later in life.
4. Guilt and Self-Esteem Issues
Over time, children may develop guilt or self-blame, especially if they later realize that their rejection of the parent was based on manipulation rather than valid reasons. This can lead to long-term damage to their self-esteem and emotional well-being.
5. Identity Struggles
Children often derive a sense of identity from both parents. Rejection of one parent, especially if forced or influenced, can lead to identity confusion, as the child may suppress or deny parts of themselves associated with the rejected parent.
Overall, when a child’s rejection of a parent is not based on genuine reasons, it can have lasting negative effects on their emotional, psychological, and social development.
How is Unwarranted Rejection / Parental Alienation – Treated?
Treating parental alienation involves addressing the psychological and relational damage caused by the alienation and helping to repair the child’s relationship with the alienated parent. Addressing parental alienation requires a coordinated approach involving mental health professionals, legal intervention, and, ideally, cooperation from both parents to prioritize the child’s well-being and restore the damaged relationship.
To treat cases of severe alienation, the court may modify custody or visitation arrangements to prevent further alienation. This could involve increasing the alienated parent’s time with the child or even transferring primary custody if the alienating parent continues harmful behaviors.
The treatment approach depends on the severity of the alienation and the child’s age, but common strategies include:
Therapeutic Interventions
1. Family Therapy for Mild Alienation
Family therapy sessions help the child and the alienated parent rebuild their relationship. A therapist works with both to improve communication, address misunderstandings, and foster trust.
2. Reunification Therapy for Moderate to Severe Alienation
This specialized form of therapy is designed to help reintegrate the alienated parent into the child’s life. It aims to reestablish a healthy, balanced relationship by creating opportunities for positive interactions.
What is a Reunification Treatment Program?
1. Intensive Therapeutic Intervention
Reunification programs typically involves a concentrated, multi-day intervention where the child, the alienated parent, and family and friends (where appropriate), participate in structured therapy sessions. These sessions focus on re-establishing the parent-child bond and addressing the emotional barriers that have resulted from the alienation.
Therapists experienced in parental alienation guide the sessions, helping the family members communicate effectively and heal the broken relationship.
2. Focus on the Child’s Needs
A major focus is on understanding the child’s emotional state and experiences that have contributed to their rejection of the alienated parent. Therapists work to untangle the distorted beliefs and feelings implanted by the alienating parent.
The program aims to empower the child to think critically and independently, reducing the psychological hold that the alienating parent may have over them.
Alienated parents attending the 4-day programs are taught strategies for improving communication, reducing conflict, and supporting the child’s emotional well-being.
The court may order the alienating parent to attend separate, outside therapy to help them take responsibility for their actions and stop behaviors that contribute to alienation.
3. Court Involvement and Monitoring
In some cases, the program may be court-ordered, especially if parental alienation is identified in a custody dispute.
The program often provides reports or updates to the court to track progress, ensuring that the therapeutic process is supported by legal accountability.
Conclusion
Reunification therapy is essentially intensive family therapy conducted by highly trained and experienced therapists. True reunification therapy is not a “camp”, is highly regulated by State Licensing Boards, has verifiable outcomes and success rates, and restores the parent/child relationship in the best interests of the child.
1 Journal of Child and Families Studies, 9/2019. ttps://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-019-01522-5
